- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
- Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
- As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
- Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
- Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger
- Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
- Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
- Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
- Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
- Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap.
- Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
- Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
- Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
- Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.
- Get another pill.
- Open another beer.
- Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
- Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges
- Drink beer
- Fetch bottle of scotch
- Pour shot, drink
- Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab
- Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect
- Toss back another shot
- Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road
- Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat
- Take last pill from foil-wrap
- Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak
- Be rough about it
- Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down
- Consume remainder of Scotch
- Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye
- Call furniture shop on way home to order new table
- Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters
